For some time now I have been thinking a lot about my career. What I know for sure, as Oprah says, Jobs are a lot like relationships. We seek clarity on what it is that we want. We court potential employers. We accept the position… and hope for the best. As my mother used to say, “So much of life is luck.” But I don’t believe that. I believe that we pick what we believe we deserve, in work and in love.
And in both areas, I’ve picked some doozies. Judging from my picks, my self-worth is lacking. Quite clearly, looking at my outcomes, something’s up. In the past, I wouldn’t have believed that I was choosing this crap. I mean, who in their right mind would? But the whole victim thing gets old. And how could I fall for people and engage in jobs so perfectly suited to teach me MY life lessons.
I do believe Harville Hendrix’s theory on love and marriage.
Romantic love is subconsciously identifying in another, a major character flaw that your parent or childhood caregiver had. “I feel like I’ve known him my whole life!” Well you have! In fact, I married both my parents –
Husband #1 = Dad = Hyper Critical
Husband #2 = Mother = Kind, yet Unstable
(I’ve run out of parents, does that mean I’m good?)
Harville says Love is Blind so we don’t recognize our parent’s hurtful ways within our future spouse. We fight in order to change our spouse and get them to stop hurting us. We divorce when our marriage becomes too painful.
But leaving because we are hurt doesn’t solve the problem. We just go out and find another to hurt us. Harville’s theory is that staying in the marriage, is the most efficient way to healing. By working through these difficult issues with our spouse, we heal. You have to read his book to get the full rationale.
I do hope I’ve learned lessons enough – enough to be in a supportive, respectful, mature relationship with a partner and an employer. I do hope I have the self-awareness to understand why I am hurt, and the self-esteem to ask for what I need.
Wish me luck:)