Today I start a blog that speaks to life’s transitions. Divorce was my original intent, but as I got to thinking about the challenges and stages of divorce, I realized that divorce serves life lessons. It is gut wrenching and traumatic. How one negotiates its rage, lends to life skills. And life skills and negotiating pot-holes is universal. So this is not a divorce blog. This is a lessons learned, not yet learned, and ideas blog.
Is my life fodder enough for such a blog…well maybe. My plan though, is to share lessons learned across the great people I have met in my post-divorce journey. “Names have been changed to protect the innocent”, of course! Divorce is private – kinda ironic isn’t it. But when you are in the weeds of divorce, you are in survival mode. Survival mode can be ugly and ugly longs for privacy.
When I legally separated from my now ex-husband, I reached out. This divorce was different from my first. The stakes were higher this time around. This divorce affected my two children. This divorce financially ruined me. This divorce was my second, and thus amplified my self-doubt. How in the hell could I be divorcing AGAIN? I needed help and I sought many avenues for assistance.
One resource I checked out was a meetup.com group called “Transitions”. This is the meetup description –
“Sometimes life throws you a curve ball and you find yourself suddenly single. The purpose of this group is to meet other local people coping with a divorce, separation, breakup, or death of a spouse for friendship, discussion, and support. We will have social outings to give us things to do other than sit at home and mope! Actually we laugh a lot! Our main focus is for adult social interaction, support, fun and friendships. This is not a dating forum.”
Yep, that sounded like the meetup for me, so I signed up. The next day I received an email notifying me that “Transitions” would be dissolved if a new leader did not volunteer in the next seven days. Crap! I checked the site daily…anyone volunteer? Nope. So you guessed it, on June 27, 2009, I volunteered. It wasn’t a thought-out decision and there have been times I’ve regretted it. Mostly, I am thankful for the wonderful people and experiences I’ve enjoyed.
This is not a divorce blog. This is a lessons learned, not yet learned, and ideas blog.
Onward my friends,
Anne
I was thinking about creating a divorce blog too but I don’t now. After 18 years and with four kids ages 11-15 it is going to end and I’m in that “crushed” stage. Really I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. My divorce is in the infant stages as we just decided and told the kids three days ago. So finding your blog has helped me. I’ve heard about meetup.com and I’m going to check that out. I won’t join anything right now but one day I will be out of this house and will need that interaction.
Thank you for sharing this.
I feel for you! 2 things that really helped me that may offer you some relief
1. staying on a schedule – it made a small part of my life predictable – even when it felt like life was out of control.
2. I worked hard (because this is VERY difficult) kick starting my brain to produce dopamine. This is completely tricking your brain. Find joy where-ever you can – look for good, do those things that bring you joy, get a pedicure or massage, be silly. Your brain is reacting based on caveman circuitry. Losing your mate = life threatening. This is not the case in today’s world, but your brain doesn’t know that. You are feeling completely at risk, devastated – but the reality is you will survive, thrive even.
When you think a negative thought or fear, acknowledge it and tell it to go away! Immediately think of something positive – puppies, Santa Claus, your children – whatever will bring a smile to your face. This will help trick your brain and reinforce positive circuitry.
All feelings need to be honored and processed – this is a trick to get through the crappy stuff.
Good luck my friend
Thank you so much. Next time I feel like I’m going to die I will think good thoughts. The part about “puppies and santa” brought a smile to my face so there’s a start. 🙂
Hi Anne,
I’ve got the one year survived after divorce under my belt. I feel a new freedom and now what to do as I continue to build a new life, heal and restore. I am grateful for my two daughters and grateful I have made it to this day. At 61, I am beginning anew. I am with you girl.