Tell me friends… Is it necessary to warn the woman now dating your ex? Should I lend this woman “insight” before she enters into a relationship with Mr. Ne’re-do-well? A warning seems the only decent thing to do. But frankly, I am the ex. My perspective is jaded; some would say warped. So what is the reality of the situation and what is my responsibility?
I’ve heard all about this girlfriend, from both my ex and my children. I find this need to inform me interesting, but that’s fodder for another post. She seems like a nice person; she has an interest in my children. She has been kind and giving to them. So in my book she is a-ok, which re-enforces my dilemma. It would be easier if she were nasty – I could sit back and watch the drama unfold. It is much better spectating than having a leading roll, but neither is enjoyable!
Reasons to stay silent:
– People change, right? I am not the same person that he married. I have grown up, emotionally matured. Some growth I have sought, some was forced upon me with our failed marriage. He could have grown from this experience.
– What she needs from him may be completely different from what I needed. Sometimes what makes a good boyfriend is different than what makes an adequate husband. My Ex-husband is fun, and very comical. He has a good heart, is quick with a compliment, affectionate, and generous. All great boyfriend qualities.
– It’s none of my business. Ex-wives should stay out of ex-husband’s business.
Reasons to voice concerns:
My ex has addiction issues that he is very skilled at hiding. When he is struggling with these demons he is not to be trusted. His personality is volatile. Yeah, addiction is nasty. Kinda like the Big Bad Wolf dressed as Grandmother.
So should I warn Little Red?
Some time back, I shared with my boyfriend, that I would like to reach-out to his ex. Having been burned by a functioning addict, the ex perspective was important to me. I did not expect to get a glowing report from her. The pain of a failed marriage far outweighs trivial relationship issues. They were divorced for important reasons. As any divorcee, she would have pain and anger and hearing her side of the story would be difficult.
So with my big girl pants on, I met her for coffee.
The meeting was not far from my expectations. She was lovely in person and personality. My boyfriend has good taste in woman, what can I say. And she was angry. She had substantive complaints about her ex-husband. And as she listed her ex- husband’s faults, I did not recognize my boyfriend. The man she was describing actually sounded remarkably like my ex-husband. Crap!
I was thrown for-a-loop. After the coffee, my boyfriend called and texted. He was not concerned about this meeting, until he encountered my radio silence. All I could share with him was that I needed time to process. I knew I wasn’t in an emotional state to have a productive conversation. I needed to understand better what I was feeling so that fear did not dictate my actions. It took time and a trip to the shrink before I could discuss fully with him.
Maybe in a future post I will share my thoughts on romantic love and what creates “chemistry”. There has to be a reason why we fall in love – only to learn that this new love is a lot like the ex. And that’s how it goes my friends.
Take care,
Anne