Anger, it comes in large doses during marital strife; and continues to taunt after divorce. Recently I witnessed extreme vitriol toward an ex-husband. I found it shocking really. It exploded out of my friend with a searing hot intensity. Phrases like, “He is never there when the kids need him!” “He knows nothing of the important day-to-day juggling; homework, sports schedules, school events. He is selfish. He is mean!”
Yep, I have said these exact things about my ex. And when he disappoints our children with his irresponsible behaviors, I get as mad as Hell! And I am shocked by its intensity. Where does this anger come from – The “my head is going the explode” anger? The anger that you thought was behind you when you divorced, but now threatens your mental health. Where does it come from and where does it hide during my regularly scheduled programming?
Recently I learned that this intense anger response is “programmed” in my brain. Yep, my brain still uses the “caveman” mode, everyone’s does. We react to our partner’s betrayal with the intensity of Life or Death. And that is a problem. My ex may make my life difficult, but my kids and I are not going to die because he doesn’t show up. I am not a cavewoman looking for my mate to protect me from a T-Rex… T-Rex and caveman did not exist during the same period in history… but you get my meaning.
The anger I feel is not congruent to the infraction. I am not going to die! And, I have learned over the years that my anger does nothing to change my ex’s behavior. In some ways, he finds it entertaining. So in fact, this intense anger does not serve me!
I’m going to try to remember this before I get my cave(wo)man on. And do me a favor will you, remind me of this when my head is about to explode.